If there is one thing we all have in common, it’s that we’re all born virgins. The message often conveyed throughout society is that virginity is something sacred, and we should hold on to it until we are old enough, in love and won’t regret it. I am sure there are plenty of people who do this, but let’s face it there are also a bunch of people who do not follow the fairytale formula. The first time is always a little bit awkward, whether you’re with the person you think is the love of your life at the time or you’re pissed and scrambling round for a condom, in a room full of other, passed out people (not my story). I am a big fan of the phrase ‘bad decisions make good stories’ and virginity stories go one step further; they often don’t have to involve bad decisions to make them deliciously awkward and often hilarious. Indulge in these accounts that will probably have you pretty pleased your experience was of the less dramatic nature!
“I was a young 17 year old ball of testosterone and in Malia. The night after two of my friends have slept with the same girl, I encounter the same wonderful lady. We go to my room and after a few very short attempts at sex, we headed to the shower. After realising water isn’t the best lubricant I carry her back to the room whilst she is wrapped around me. As I leave the bathroom I slip… THUD. Her head pings off the floor. She’s alive though, so I go back to the bed with her. We continue, but, crying, she tells me her head hurts so I rolled over and fell asleep. The next morning I head to the pool and find her in the pool with a bandage around her head. I ask her what happened. She unwraps the bandage to reveal a black ear. I had burst her ear drum by dropping her, meaning she was unable to fly home to England for two more weeks. I fucked someone to deaf on my first time.” – 22, Male, Malia
“I was at an overnight house party in the countryside when I was 16, and I started kissing this guy who I’d just met. We went outside into the garden and one thing led to another (I kid myself saying that it was romantic under the night’s sky, but let’s be real, not the most classy setting). While we were having sex somebody stole my clothes and I then after I had to run through the house naked collecting my clothes but thankfully it was late by that point and nobody saw me. To add insult to injury, before we started having sex he said ‘You’re not a virgin are you?’ I said no, he replied ‘Thank god.’ To be clear, I was a virgin (I lied).” – 22, Female, Melrose
“Was dating my head of sixth form’s daughter. She suggested a country park which was nearby because both of our houses were off limits. Half an hour of fumbling around and dealing with branches we got down to the task at hand. People at our respective schools found out. Teachers caught wind and because we were underage they legally had to let our parents know. The day after our parents found out, as I walked past my head of sixth form’s office (her mum), there was a tunnel formed by the current upper sixth who proceeded to give me an ovation for my ‘hard’ work. Single most awkward two weeks of my life. For the next year of my time there, she wasn’t allowed to discipline or really talk to me due to a ‘conflict of interest’.” – 21, Male, London
“The first time I ever had sex with a guy, we were in the woods. We were both horny teenagers and probably didn’t use enough lube. After we were done, I pulled out and realised that my crotch felt sticky. I looked down and I could just about see that it was coated with his blood, as were my stomach and hands. We decide to go to the river so I can wash up. As we’re walking, we run into a mutual friend of both of ours, he just looks at us for a second, shakes his head and says ‘I don’t want to know’ before walking off. In the end, I cleaned up well and got home without my parents becoming too suspicious. We laughed about it at the time and after and it’s certainly an experience neither of us forgot.” – 21, Male, Derby
“Not as much a first time as what people thought was my first time. Back when I was 14 there were ‘popular’ couples in ‘long term’ relationships. There became some kind of race for everyone to lose their virginity and my other half at the time seemed to want people talking about her. We arranged a time, got my first pack of condoms and started with the awkward fumbling. It got even more awkward when it became more apparent that a certain part of my anatomy didn’t want to play along. But she was insistent, so we put the condom on anyway (which was a bit like losing a carrot in a balloon) and did what I could (which was like trying to thread a needle with a very long piece of thread. Eventually we gave up, but the awkward part was having the people in school congratulate me the next day because she’d told everyone we did it. Not wanting to lose face I played along. Took a good few weeks later to actually get it done!” – 23, Male, London
However you lose your virginity, the experience will be unique to you and the person with whom you share it. As much as I understand the reasoning behind waiting to be in love etc. before you have sex, I also think it’s important to emphasise that your first time does not define you, nor does it dictate the future of your sex life. As long as you and your sexual partner are safe and it’s consensual, crack on. And remember, the more awkward the encounter the more funny the story!
